JUVENTUS: The Inside Battles

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It was on March Friday the 13th when I was stunned by the sudden news of the start of lockdowns of other cities. My mind was telling me so stay calm because I was in charge of handling an event but at the back of my mind, I was terrified.

Though I felt somehow relieved that I’m miles away from that furor, my working parents swiftly crossed my mind. I suddenly remembered that there’s no room for me to stay calm and enjoy the whole day at home.

Presently, I decided to not feel relaxed while lying on my back at a comfortable mattress I have in my room. Every single day had passed and during those days, there were miracles to be celebrated and deaths to be mourned. I also happened to see those miracles and deaths while striving to survive with my family.

The virus outbreak brought me into some places that I’ve never been to. Everything before has changed and they coined it as the “New Normal”. As an 18 year old, I didn’t ever imagine having to actually witness everything that I’ve only seen at a movie or read in a history books. I myself struggled everyday though I’m always staying at home. The overwhelming fear from the outside creeps through our window panes and it pains me a lot every night before I sleep.

At some days, I was tasked to go outside to go in a mission of making essential transactions.

To buy groceries, send money, and pay bills – these weren’t the tasks that my sister would usually tell me to do. And as I stepped out of my house, I have to make sure to myself that I’m wearing a face mask and a quarantine pass.

Doing all those while under the scorching sun and fear of being infected was telling me to feel panicked, panicked in a way that I must still do something despite it but I also thought of how can I be a help to everyone.

That is when I started to question myself. I had so many thoughts running through my mind.

It felt like it was part of my daily routine — to think of the life outside the walls.

And that’s when I distract myself from being overloaded with so many worries.

I’ll just turn to my phone and open my social media applications. That instance, it just fueled the fire that has been lit up in me. It seems like everything is not true yet false and you must be extra vigilant and critical. I leaned towards the virtual care of the movies and series I was watching which made me question more my purpose.

Most days, I’m planning my life after the ECQ. I wanted to enroll myself in a university with the course that I intended to take. I wanted to hang out with my friends and enjoy the rest of our day. I wanted to join organizations that I’ve been dreaming to apply for. I wanted to travel cities and beaches. But it was all in my bubbles, the situation won’t allow me yet.

The two-month ECQ was the longest and scariest vacation I had. I went through trips that I never planned nor thought of. I barely prepared for the waves that comes everyday.

I eventually got lost track trying to figure out a way of feeling alive. As we are all locked up due to the COVID-19, we should at least feel free of doing whatever we could do because we are all dying to survive.

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